IDENTITY BATTLE

I was sure by the time I woke up, the pain would be less
I was sure I would want to take back the words I said last e\night
I was sure my eyes would be white, tiny and normaliaa
But I was humiliated by my own thoughts
I woke up so sore,
My heart seemed like a wound, every beat expelling pain
I showered but couldn’t feel my body
The light hurt my eyes they were burning and tearing
I looked at the mirror and I have never met the person I saw,
I empathized, sympathized
Red eyes, swollen obese eyes, pink nose, and an empty stare

Such was what I could describe to feel
However much more remains undescribed-able
Much more remains unspeakable

I remember trying to read his lips
Hoping that my mind and ears were hearing things
Hoping that my imaginary friend was talking not him

I could related with the dead, deaded by stabbing
I felt a knife, a bullet of words cut through my flesh and
Into depths within

I could tell he was afraid of saying the words he did
I could tell he had been made to say them
I could almost see the voice behind his words and actions
I could tell there were timid actions but firm intentions
I saw his eyes run to his glasses and scare my eye contact away

I tried making him see how I saw it
I wanted him to peep into life through my hole
Take my angle and see the image I saw
I wanted him to feel what I felt inside
Wanted him to see my senses
But no sense came through

I love me
I love me now better than yesterday
But guess what’s he hates the me I love
Hates the way I look
Cares less about how he feels
Cares more about how the world will see him and his descendants
He worships the world so I now believe
Hurt your very own and please the world, your perfect world. .is his world religious mission










Both of you!!!!!, tear me apart
I struggle to love me
Struggle to want me
Struggle to accept me
But it is futile
You shoot it all down.
You have a picture in your mind
A picture you want me to be
A picture you don’t wish I be but demand I be
A picture you think describes what you teach as seen by the world

The force that was behind him was afraid to face me
Knows I will fight worse than an irritated cat
Asleep she is, ruling and ordering from behind.

She arises late, hoping I have left so she doesn’t have to face me
I scratch and yell when I am irritated
But this time it is beyond….i am rendered powerless by my own anger energy
So strong

Why won’t they ask why I do what I do?
Why won’t they see it from my angle?

I cried last night,
Worse than a bereaved, I wailed till I slept
I tried swallowing hard so the pain would ease
I tried eating, drinking away but the pain intensified,
Last night
Was the next round of a consequence of identity fights

So he said, it is a rule and it is final
And I said I hate him
He touched the part I request the world not to touch
I hate you.
I hate that you try making me your perfect dream
I hate the girl in your head you want me to be

Quit my job? Hell no
I am not ending up like you
I will caretaker at the office if I have to, if you kick me out for not quiting
Change my looks to what again?
Denounce me if you wish,
I will not be a devil I prada
I refuse to be the girl at the corner who hates herself
Hates her life and loves the song
When I grow up I want to be, have, go…
I am being having and going now…..

I will take a plane, a bus, a bike
Do exactly as your threat detects
My way or step out
The latter is my choice
And meet me in heaven
Adious amigos mes parentosas.

And when I grow up
I want to be like you
Insensitive, foolish, hurtful and an enslaver

A cat has nine lives
The cat in me has been killed 6 times
2 more to go….and I am not going to stand there
And let you watch me burn