HEART ACHE P2

I was hoping when my day began at 4p.m
The pain would have gone
Hoping that when I finally left my cave, my room
It would feel less painful
Hoping that after drowning myself in my space
Drowning my mind with books and horror movies
I would be less hurt and less angry

I also hoped that after hours of not seeing her
I would smile when I saw her
Hoping that thinking of her dint hurt,
Or make me angry

Guess I hoped for so much
It hurts so fresh
My veins tighten like she just angered me
Would still do what I wished to do to her at first
Suicidal feelings,
Drunkard wishes,
Dreams of ecstasy form drugs I know not
Feelings of wastefulness
Feelings of vengeance and hurtfulness

HEART ACHE P2

I was hoping when my day began at 4p.m
The pain would have gone
Hoping that when I finally left my cave, my room
It would feel less painful
Hoping that after drowning myself in my space
Drowning my mind with books and horror movies
I would be less hurt and less angry

I also hoped that after hours of not seeing her
I would smile when I saw her
Hoping that thinking of her dint hurt,
Or make me angry

Guess I hoped for so much
It hurts so fresh
My veins tighten like she just angered me
Would still do what I wished to do to her at first
Suicidal feelings,
Drunkard wishes,
Dreams of ecstasy form drugs I know not
Feelings of wastefulness
Feelings of vengeance and hurtfulness

HEART ACHE P1

Dehydration is what I might end up experiencing
If my eyes don’t stop losing water...
Heart failure is what I might experience
If my hearts doesn’t start functioning well

The sun is up but it is still dark,
My morning hasn’t come yet
It is warm outside but it’s frozen inside
My autumn, summer are showing no signs yet

My glue hasn’t arrived yet
To fix the pieces form a broken vessel in me
If only it was broken by love of a man
Am sure glue would be coming soon
But no no no

I never knew this was how it felt
When your tear a kid form even a crack head mother
To a foster home
I never knew this is how it felt
When your last prison privilege threatens to be taken away from you……
I never knew this is how it felt
When what you own and have worked hard for threatened to be owned by another..

I never knew this is how it felt
To watch the mother of your babies
Walk away with you older brother
I never knew this is how it felt
To watch your man get whisked away by your boss..

I never knew this is how it felt
To not have an option
To be helpless
………to stare helplessly

yesterday i cried

The last week has been a good week but had its own share of tit bits of ‘small’ drama that I let go, perhaps this pile up of emotion led to my breakdown last night.

Yesterday, I cried...
Tears a sign of unity with the heart,
To some a sign of weakness,
To some a sign of deep emotion
And to me a sign of complete tear...

Yesterday I cried...
If you ask me tears have classifications,
Tears of joy
Of pain, hurt and anger
Of despair
Of excitement, expectation and bewilderment

Yesterday,
I would have cried tears of joy bewilderment
Because I had an exciting day but instead
Bitter tears of pain, hurt and anger rolled down

With every bit of skin they touched
It felt like salt onto a wound
For every tear that left my eye
It felt like the nail was pushed harder.
Am a tough cookie to crack
But yesterday I cried...

I cried at the realization that
I was loving those that hurt while I was hurting those who loved me.
When I realized that a gun was over my head
To le go of one thing that is so intimate
I felt like a mother being touched her last kid by a court of law to an abusive husband

Watching I an do bad all by myself for the fourth or fifth time
Made me feel a slight connect with Jennifer and April
When the people you are supposed to look up to
Are your worst nightmare..

When you love with all your heart
When you can’t stop loving because they are a permanent fixture
Part of you,
When you would swim in an ocean over winter for them
But they wouldn’t swim in a pool over summer for you

I will do one thing ‘you’ taught me mother
Love those that hurt you
And make them question their hate towards you
Make them com back on a bended knee…

Am unclear if am letting go of my clutching straw

But mama it HURTS…

love obssesed

yesterday was one unique Friday,people were home early,dinner was made early,kids turned in home early and even homework was done on time.

where i live the estate almost came to a standstill as everyone was glued to their screens to watch episode finale of a soap opera,"storm over paradise" even the shopkeeper made me wait as his eyes were fixated on the tiny black and white screen.truly, not even Obamas speech was given that much attention.

this got me thinking and probing.what is it people watch in this soap operas?many years down the lien we still have and perhaps watch "the bold and the beautiful" and "days of our lives".today a new soap opera commences and your right another marathon begins.

one answer shone over it all ,love,four letters that are yet to be clearly defined in human terms.i also realized how even though men hardly watch soap operas they are still caught up watching reality shows like the bachelor.

the quest and quench to find love,feel love ,experience love and define love is the new trend,in twitter terms we would say TT for trending topic.even local programming has seen itself get caught up in trying to feature 'localized soap operas.
i must add, i have observed how my mother has slowly become a fan or should i say a fanatic of nollywood,west African movies. while quite a while back she could not stand them.the answer was simple,they deviated form cultural and spiritual scripts to love triangles and love fueled drama.there has also been an amazing increase in social dating websites from religious ones to race to regional.it is quite a thriving and booming business is must say.the numbers enrolling into this websites is proof.go through magazine and newspapers and find numerous advertisements for people looking for partners. some psychologists and ordinary people have even taken advantage and started match making firms

yesterday my friends invited me for a road trip on the 14th of February, in order to fill a package of ten which was cheaper.they were four couples thus i turned the offer down saying am single and thus would make us nine and to my shock they had a hook up on stand by.we went ahead and spoke and boy oh boy dint his voice do wonders.so today i woke up and went on a social network to see how he looked like since he already had seen my pictures and i was thrown back.literally.don't get me twisted he wasn't ugly but he wasn't what i fathomed and right there my excitement for valentines was gone.another valentine-less year i bet

i have been looking into my love life for the past two ,three years and i have just realized its time to stop looking.it is not my specialty to look or it is just not the train for me to hop on and ride on.truth is the few times i have hoped on it it crushed !.my mother believes we all have someone somewhere.every many has a missing rib.but i have tried to infuse the theory that some people will end up solo.what if your rib already died at birth or even in the coarse of life before you met.what if your match got aborted .what if ?just what if? what if he is in a monestry?(laughable it is but crucial it also is)

all am trying to drive at is that at times some of us are just good by ourselves.not everyone though.we find ourselves loving other things above our comprehensions.i being the first have found myself in love with my own life that revolves around writing and music.it just occurred to me the other day that twitter has slowly replaced my best friend,there is nothing my twitter page doesn't know about me perhaps!:)

i have thus drawn a conclusion; at times we need to call of the search.not give up but just stop looking and focus on our search on other things like good friends,better career life,better spiritual life.for what is meant to meet or be will be eventually.

happy February everybody.to those in love love more,to those getting dumped,u have a shoulder,mine,to lean on.to those looking for love he/she is staring at you just reach out and finally to those of you like me,we have called of the search!cheers